Category: Sitcom Christmas

Sitcom: Seinfeld

Episode: The Pick

Year: 1992

Story line: Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards..

Details: I’ll be honest. I really was gunning for the Festivus episode here, having been particularly inspired by Say Uncle’s Airing of Grievances blog posts this holiday season. But who am I to question the providence of Tivo. I had to settle for the Pick, and I was OK with that. In addition to Elaine’s Christmas card dilemma, this episode also features the supermodel who catches Jerry picking his nose (or was he?) at a red light and Kramer’s fight to get credit for Calvin Klein’s new fragrance, the Ocean.

Nipple ripple: Elaine isn’t the only one who let it all hang out in my sitcom Christmas blogging. Janet Jackson, who plays Penny in a Christmas episode of Good Times, also has been known to unleash her assets on the unsuspecting masses. And this confirms my theory that there are seven nipples of separation across TV Land’s Christmas universe. Or something like that.

Killer quote: “I’m not sure, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I see a nipple.” Jerry, upon looking at Elaine’s Christmas card.

Killer quote II: “His buttocks are sublime.” Uttered by Calvin Klein as Kramer praces around in his underwear. Nothing to do with the holiday season, but hilarious nonetheless.

Killer quote III: “I’m not sure, but … I think I see your …” Elaine, as they look at Kramer’s underwear ad in a magazine. Nice close to the show.

Ebenezer alert: Tossup between Kramer, who prods Elaine toward wardrobe malfunction while he takes the infamous Christmas card photo, and Calvin Klein, who clearly ripped off Kramer’s idea for a fragrance that makes you smell like you just returned from the beach.

Childhood memory: No childhood memory here. I was an adult when I first saw Seinfeld. I think it was in the early ’90s, a few seasons into the series. A friend urged me to check it out and I was quickly hooked. Festivus will always be a key holiday memory for me.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (I know, this isn’t a sitcom; my blog obsession, my rules.)

Episode: N/A

Year: 1964

Story line: Martians kidnap Santa Claus and two children in an effort to capture the Christmas spirit for their listless children.

Details: I’ve been trying to nab this with Tivo for a few years and finally reeled in a copy. This is a classic. Martian kids have been watching too much Earth TV and get infected with the Christmas bug. So the Martians kidnap Santa and a few earth kids to bring the Christmas spirit to Mars. This is great in the way that only bad science fiction can be. Lots of cool cardboard outfits, and I think the Martians are wearing some inbred cross between a natural gas line and a kid’s windup toy for headgear. There’s lots of stock footage — B52s scrambling to intercept the Martians, space rockets launching to rescue Santa, the UN meeting to discuss the abduction — and the special effects are, well, stunning. I particularly like the guy in the polar bear suit that attacks Billy and Betty Foster in the North Pole. In the end, Santa wins over the wacky Martians, leaving a surrogate Santa (Dropo) in his place to keep Christmas alive on the Red Planet. He does indeed conquer the Martians, but he does it with Christmas spirit, not laser or disrupters or special effects. How cool is that?

Killer quote: “This is as bad as the Monkees, man.” Lara Edge, during the slapstick finale where the Earth kids and the Martian kids assault the evil Voldar in a hail of attacking toys at Santa’s Martian Workshop. I beg to differ. It’s much, much better than the Monkees.

Killer quote II: “All this trouble for a fat little man in a white suit.’ Voldar, the evil Martian.

Killer quote III: “I’m not accustomed to entering people’s homes through the door, but you have no chimney.” Santa as he enters the Martian home.

Bonus bit: Eight-year-old Pia Zadora as Girmar. the little Martian girl.

Ebenezer alert: Voldar. This miserable bastard hates everyone. He’s just one bad ass Martian. He tries to order the cardboard robot, Torg, to crush Billy and Betty. But even Torg isn’t immune to Santa’s goodwill and refuses to kill the kids. Voldar later tries to flush them out an air lock, but Santa’s chimney skills come in handy as he and the kids escape through an air hatch moments before the hatch opens. Voldar is always foiled but relentlessly evil. Everything a good Ebenezer should be.

Childhood memory: None, really. I think the first time I saw this was by accident 15 or so years ago one late-night TV when we lived in Albuquerque. I’ve been addicted ever since but have managed to catch it only a handful of times.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: Married … with Children

Episode: It’s a Bundyful LIfe (2)

Year: 1989

Story line: Al gets a visit from a guardian angel and discovers what the Bundy household would look like if he was never born.

Details: Bad meta data again, but I think this time it was a good thing. Tivo was claiming this was a 1992 episode, but this second part of a 1989 show was a better snag. It features the hapless Al trying unsuccessfully to withdraw his Christmas club account from the bank in time for Christmas, ruining the holiday for everyone. Peg and the kids head off to Denny’s for dinner, leaving Al to string outdoor lights, which zap him and knock him out. Sam Kinison appears as an angel who shows Al what earth would be like had he never been born. And the answer is pretty good. Peg is a Betty Crocker type. Bud is a great guy. Kelly’s a brain. And Sam Kinison gets to scream a lot. At god. At Al. At anyone who will listen. Hey, it’s his schtick. And in the end, we realize Al’s life does have purpose — to make sure his family is miserable. And that alone is enough to convince him life is worth living. (As a side note: Missing the first part wasn’t a problem at all; this is Married … with Children, not Twin Peaks.)

Killer quote: “Much like a neutered dog, you don’t get it, Bundy.” Angel Sam Kinison, talking to Al.

Killer quote II: “What do we do next? Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived? Watch my father invent the condom?” Al, upon seeing how well the other Bundys did on a planet where he didn’t exist.

Ebenezer alert: It’s gotta be Peg. Her seething contempt for Al never ceases. And that hair. Simply amazing.

Childhood memory: Not quite a childhood memory, but I loved the early years of this show, when it still had its edge and presented the dark underside of married life in America. I think this is a transitional season, right at it was jumping the shark (which I define as the departure of Marcy’s husband to become a forest ranger.) I don’t recall this episode specifically, but it had several laugh-out-loud moments. Praise Tivo for bringing it to me.

Sitcom Christmas Index